Imagination and will

I read once when imagination and will are in conflict imagination will win out. One could celebrate this, returning us to a childlike state but when you unite will with imagination both are elevated and grounded at the same time. The will without imagination lowers its vibrancy to the familiar and the predictable, places we all know so well but are getting our butts kicked to shift.

Imagination is one of the skills or tricks in the magicians bag to soften the blow.

Today I did retreat time and followed the nagging sense of guilt I carry mid back. I imagined or as the Taoists say, I actualized scenes from my past that fit the feelings. I ran into past lives and images of dying on a battlefield having killed others and died before I could get back home to take care of my family.

I conversed and wept as if I were them, and asked them what they needed. I asked for help form higher sources and found forgiveness of self seep in through cracks imagination opened.

I ran into my mothers emotional overwhelm and her unconscious desire for me to bring her out. And what a 'failure' I was at that, our personalities being so different. The held beliefs under the emotions- 'you are just not good enough as you are'. How humbling to find them laying in the belly of the psyche tied in knots all these years later.

I didn't drink or eat till late in the day- punishment or reward?- and wondered how healthy this exploration was. How balanced with will, outer will is this imaginative healing journey. It is so hard to tell when one does subterranean work where on the labyrinth one is- closer to center or on the borders of sanity and escapism.

What 'saves' me is movement. Chi kung, walking, cooking and talking to friends who can listen. Making plans, setting up work, buying an old car and driving again after three years of living in countries where a car was an afterthought.

Breathing, washing my body, scrubbing my skin. Bone breathing and tendon strengthening. Circulation of sexual energies and self massage.

Still the sadness is here. The guilt and the hauntings. I can only trust I am in a process of recovery and careful blending of will and imagination fine tuned to my own learning curve is at play. And I wish the same for you. This helps too.

Thinking of you.